18 June 2017

let it go, just let it be, just let me be me

hey, hey...haha
talking as if anyone ever read my blog..urghh
i have been meant to write for my blog
but everytime pon felt like busy
or lazy or prefer to be dreaming 
but then when i have something important to do
i felt like i want to write
just like right now...
(yes hazirah, u have to check more journals...
not writing a post in blog...which no one but yourself to read it later, haha)

so, im no longer at the place that i described in my last post
im actually 20 minutes from home
yeahhhh...for me, haha
currently, im continuing my study
used to dream to fly overseas
arizona, texas
yess…that’s actually the place im dreaming
not too cold, not too hot
near to las vegas and mexico, haha
but all i ever want is to go to the Grand Canyon
sunrise by the mountains, extreme cycling through the valley
also influence by CSI:Las Vegas
(which also influence one of my biggest decision)
hehe…what’s a choice right??
Of course, USA my choice cause later on
I can chase down Justin Timberlake on his every show, haha

On realistic of my mind
I don’t want to go far away from my family
Distance is actually a must but not too distance
Cause I already felt it
Alone, alienated, estranged in a different place
Especially during study time
heyyy…I survived Kelantan for 7 years, haha
we used to call Kelantan as overseas cause it was far north from hometown
and used to take flights to came back and forth, haha
So I decided to further my study somewhere near to home
Thus I can runaway whenever I need it, haha

Then…maybe my insecurity
I don’t think I will able to survive the ‘overseas’
I always felt like im stupid actually
Everytime also I asked myself
‘what actually im doing right now?’
‘am I doing it the correct way?’
I don’t think I have that skills and expertise needed
To go US, to study
You need to sit for ielts/toefl and top of that you need to sit their SAT exams
And for every 1000 applicants, they only accept 10 applicants
I was like….
‘wowwww, no way they going to accept budak bangang macam aku, haha’
There goes my chasing drama with Justin, haha

Another thing is money constraint, of course
The amount of scholar given…memanglah cukup
But cukup tu cukup yang macamana pulak kan?
Even the amount is given in Malaysia ni pon…
Macam cukup-cukup sahaja
Or actually im being spending??
Ermm…tricky question, haha

I know people will continue to questioning my study
‘Ooo…she’s only doing it in local university, but I survived UK’
‘laaa…I thought u further study overseas’
But then for me, any places whether it’s local or overseas
The struggle is still there
It’s not something you accomplish easily
It’s not like you just pluck a fruit from a tree
You need to seed the tree, water it, harvest it
After years come by, then you taste the sweetness of the fruit

It may seem like I’m too insecure with myself
Like I don’t want a challenge going to new places
No…its not like that
I want and craving for new places, new environments
But I don’t want to go somewhere new while I have to study too
 If it going for holiday or even migration
It will be ok for me
But if it was for further study…a big NO from me
Hahaha…cause I been there in that position
New place while you have to study
It really feels different
Stress, depressed, despair, sadness
I don’t want to feel any of that no more, huhu

But then, still, right now…a new place for me
(despite being just 20 minutes from home, haha)
Two years went by
I still feel depressed, haha
Being compare to your super duper smart senior
Being asked questions you don’t know the answers
Being told to do what you never did
Being told to quickly finish up everything
Cmon Prof….you can’t expect me to be so fast
It’s like students in Standard 1
Some of them may know letters, some of them better at reading words
And worst, some of them don’t even recognize what letters are
So please don’t expect me to be not much different from you previous students

And so I thought being near to home is a good thing
Guess I was wrong too
One thing after the other
Other things lead to another
Try to be compromise
Try to be understanding
But then, why is it always to be me
Why is it always ME to understand others problems
Why is it always ME to compromise over the problems
Why is it always ME untuk beralah, and give in
Arghhh…please don’t push me that hard
I have my own limitations as well

And as these moments came…I was like
‘ahhh, this is why you have to go as far as you possibly could’
‘Why didn’t you apply your study overseas as you supposed to’
But then I don’t want to go far away
At the end, I realized that
All I ever want is to be ALONE
Don’t mind eating alone
Don’t mind driving alone
Don’t mind going to pavi alone
Don't mind having a cup of coffee by myself
Hahaha…being alone for me is something soooo blessing
Nikmatnya of being alone tu tersangatlah best for me
{even boy ajak dating pon...i was like
can we not meet up? i penat....haha, I'm so sorry boy}
How strange it was hearing that from someone…haha

All of the problems never seem to ease
One taken down
Two or three goes up in your mind

Listening to: Let it go by James Bay