24 May 2015

will do or will not?

currently, I'm in the middle between home and my previous residency
not 100% sure if I belong here
at first, niat datang tempat baru
for hijrah, for transformation
imagine myself as a pupae in a cocoon
then becoming a beauty just like a butterfly
but, choiii...that was not exactly happened to me
turn out this new place of mine
happen to be full of politics, complots and conspiracies
not one I could trust
not one I could rely on
(actually, there are 2 or 3 persons I could trust and rely on)
but, never in my million years
I thought this new place to turn out this bad
ooo, my.....

last two months
I had this......I don't even know what to called it
a girl's fight?
a cat fight?
a discussion?
a open heart talk?
ooo, why I even laughing about it?

a dear friend of mine was giving me remarks on my clothes
ok, first of all....I'm not somebody yang accept teguran
(cakap mak ayah aku pon belum tentu aku nak dengar...
ooo, really explain a lot about my attitude and behavior
and really explain why I'm being dumped before, haha)
secondly, she's gave it in front of another friend of ours
which I thought was not etiquette and appropriately done
for someone like me yang memang tak boleh terima teguran
(yes, I admit it because I'm aware about myself)
then, she said
"if you think my remarks was public...
then you should know what to wear and not to wear in public"
ooo, please...it's like telling a heavy smoker person,
who took two boxes of cigarettes per day to quit smoking
and thirdly, which I felt so terasa hati
is because you never tegur I before this
suddenly, when in front of others...sebok nak menegur
and yes, I can count siapa yang betul-betul menegur I on my clothes
with only one hand
and which you never on my count

then, after that, I kept myself quite and low
which bring uncomfortness to my friends
she was saying that 
"do you think we were fine when you kept silent?"
ermm, is it wrong for me to kept silent?
I kept silent because I think I need time to cool down
yes, I was very mad n enraged about teguran tu
and that's exactly the reason why I kept silent
I don't want to say anything which I'm not suppose to say
and I don't want to do anything which I'm not suppose to do

at first, when I was angry I felt like...
you girls seems like you don't know me
you have been friend with me for more than a decade
if you are ashamed with my clothes and appearance
just say so, and I will leave you
and not bother to become your friends anymore
and most of all, you pon tak payah menanggung dosa with me
which I see that as your priority
if you want to upload that pict so badly...go ahead
you should know well that I don't exactly care about it
if I was someone who really want to show everything I do, 
everything I wear, everywhere I have been to
for a long time, I can post and upload all my picts on the internet
which I have not done for a long time
and I felt like...
"tak kanlah korang tak perasan and terfikir,
kenapa aku dah tak upload post or picts at fb"
do you really aware about me?

but, then...hey hey...
I asked myself...
is it them...who don't know me?
or is it me...who don't know them?
ermm...tricky questions

another friend of mine said that 
"people change"
ermm...mulanya, I don' agree with that statement
but after giving it a thought
yes, people do change
physically, mentally, spiritually
I do myself change 
things that I used to tolerate, like...
waiting for my food at restaurant
listening to daddy's lectures
driving behind a slow driver
oooo, nooo...I can't no longer tolerate with this kind of things anymore
I don’t even listen to music genre like I used to

then...I think again
why do people change?
what makes me change?
first...for me is because of my priority
my priority now is my family
so I rather hang out karaoke with my lil sis
instead of my friends
I also rather having dinner with my family
Maybe, that goes the same with them
They rather hang out with their husbands and family
Rather than with their friends
Well...isn't it justified?

Second...is having someone new in their life
Don’t we all have this kind of friends?
When they meet someone so-called “soulmate”, “the love of my life”
They started to change
Suddenly, no more late night hang out
No more wearing skinny jeans
No more talking with other boys
Started wearing hijab
Started to advise you on religious matter
Just because their “soulmate” told them so
No...that will never happen to me
Surely enough to know that I’m not someone yang akan dengar cakap orang
My almost boyfriend-to-be used to told me to wear hijab
Errkkk...hell no
I’m not going to wear hijab because someone told me to
What if that person suddenly leave you?
What if suddenly you lost your respect to that person?
Will you still wear hijab like he told you so?
Things like wearing hijab should come from the heart
Not because someone you love told you so
Therefore, for this point...it’s only applicable for someone yang mendengar kata
For my context of words...someone who want to used and to be used
Just like that song...
Sweet dream are made of this by Eurythmics
(my dad used to sing this song since I was a kid
I don’t really understand it at first
But as I was growing up...yeahhh, I understand it)

Third point of why people change
Is because of their exposure
Something got to do with their new place
Like someone leaving hometown
Meeting new friends
I had once on my bus trip from Kelantan to KL
This girl sitting next to me was free hair
Having a lot of friend saying goodbye
So, let’s assume she studied at Kelantan just like me
But when our bus approached Bentong
This girl next to me...tiba-tiba pakai tudung
Turn out that her parents was waiting for her
I was like...ooo, that’s weird even for me
At least, my parents know that I’m not wearing hijab
and my parents verified my clothes
memanglah, bukan nak cakap diri ni baik even tak pakai tudung
but the point is I want to say is that...
I’m not pretending to be someone else
I admit I’m not a good person
But at least I’m not pretending to be good
And that’s what people should see
Their inside beauty and heart
Not the outer beauty and looks

Just because someone cover their body from their tip toe to the end of hair
We can say that...ooo, that person must be a good person with iman
And just because someone not wearing hijab and sexy clothes
We can say that...ooo, that is not good person and don’t be friend with her
A friend once said to me
Wearing hijab is kewajipan, it does not neccessarily reflect her akhlak
Ermm, then you should also know that...
Not wearing hijab also does not neccessarily reflect her akhlak

Talking about exposure too
In this new era of technology
Where everything is in your finger tips
People tend to just acknowledge everything they read on fb or blogs
And next thing you know
They become ustaz/ustazah segera
Ooo...people, don’t tell me you believe everything there are in the internet
Instead of you learn something from the internet
Why don’t you learn face to face with a real teacher?
Then, you going to advice me on something you read on the internet?
What actually make you think I would believe that?
I have met few ustazah and ustaz
I even met them without wearing a hijab
And none of them tegur I about that
They will usually gave me salam or returned my salam
And ask a few things about me
That’s it...not more or less

I don’t exactly hate teguran yang I received
I do enjoy it actually
Because then I knew...someone still care about me
Someone still hoping and have faith on me
But please...do it the right way
Talk to me nicely...treat me as your dearly friend
Don’t treat me as if I’m your fugitive
Dont’t treat me as if I was a 7 years old girl
And please....please don’t hate me if don’t listen and follow everything you said
If I follow everything what people told me to
I would not be myself right?
I would be someone else
Someone I don’t even know

For a girl yang memang grew up in a religious family
For a girl yang memang dididik pakai tudung since a child
Is not the same for a girl yang grew up in sederhana family
For these girls...they know
Wearing hijab is not just wearing hijab and cover your hair
Is about membetulkan your imam and faith
No point in wearing hijab but you occasionally miss your prayers
No point in wearing hijab but you have a bad mouth and attitude
I don’t blame my parents
Because they thought me to seek the knowledge and faith by yourself
They also thought me that everything is not just upon appearance

Well...I do felt sad with everything happened
Everytime I try to forget and forgive
There will be something that remind me not to
I guess it the devil’s whispers...haha
But, actually...I don’t even know myself
On how to confront with them
On how to meet and greet them
On how to feel good and easy after what they have said to me
When i never used those kind of words to others
And most importantly
I don’t feel like meeting them
Because I felt ashamed
I felt malu and dipermalukan
Don’t know which one I felt the most
Ooo...what should I do then?
I know I’m not supposed to felt that way
When it was clearly my fault of wearing that kind of dress
But, I can’t help it
I’m sorry