will do or will not?

currently, I'm in the middle between home and my previous residency

not 100% sure if I belong here

at first, niat datang tempat baru

for hijrah, for transformation

imagine myself as a pupae in a cocoon

then becoming a beauty just like a butterfly

but, choiii...that was not exactly happened to me

turn out this new place of mine

happen to be full of politics, complots and conspiracies

not one I could trust

not one I could rely on

(actually, there are 2 or 3 persons I could trust and rely on)

but, never in my million years

I thought this new place to turn out this bad

ooo, my.....

last two months

I had this......I don't even know what to called it

a girl's fight?

a cat fight?

a discussion?

a open heart talk?

haha

ooo, why I even laughing about it?

a dear friend of mine was giving me remarks on my clothes

ok, first of all....I'm not somebody yang accept teguran

(cakap mak ayah aku pon belum tentu aku nak dengar...

ooo, really explain a lot about my attitude and behavior

and really explain why I'm being dumped before, haha)

secondly, she's gave it in front of another friend of ours

which I thought was not etiquette and appropriately done

for someone like me yang memang tak boleh terima teguran

(yes, I admit it because I'm aware about myself)

then, she said

"if you think my remarks was public...

then you should know what to wear and not to wear in public"

ooo, please...it's like telling a heavy smoker person,

who took two boxes of cigarettes per day to quit smoking

and thirdly, which I felt so terasa hati

is because you never tegur I before this

suddenly, when in front of others...sebok nak menegur

and yes, I can count siapa yang betul-betul menegur I on my clothes

with only one hand

and which you never on my count

then, after that, I kept myself quite and low

which bring uncomfortness to my friends

she was saying that 

"do you think we were fine when you kept silent?"

ermm, is it wrong for me to kept silent?

I kept silent because I think I need time to cool down

yes, I was very mad n enraged about teguran tu

and that's exactly the reason why I kept silent

I don't want to say anything which I'm not suppose to say

and I don't want to do anything which I'm not suppose to do

at first, when I was angry I felt like...

you girls seems like you don't know me

you have been friend with me for more than a decade

if you are ashamed with my clothes and appearance

just say so, and I will leave you

and not bother to become your friends anymore

and most of all, you pon tak payah menanggung dosa with me

which I see that as your priority

if you want to upload that pict so badly...go ahead

you should know well that I don't exactly care about it

if I was someone who really want to show everything I do, 

everything I wear, everywhere I have been to

for a long time, I can post and upload all my picts on the internet

which I have not done for a long time

and I felt like...

"tak kanlah korang tak perasan and terfikir,

kenapa aku dah tak upload post or picts at fb"

do you really aware about me?

but, then...hey hey...

I asked myself...

is it them...who don't know me?

or is it me...who don't know them?

ermm...tricky questions

another friend of mine said that 

"people change"

ermm...mulanya, I don' agree with that statement

but after giving it a thought

yes, people do change

physically, mentally, spiritually

I do myself change 

things that I used to tolerate, like...

waiting for my food at restaurant

listening to daddy's lectures

driving behind a slow driver

oooo, nooo...I can't no longer tolerate with this kind of things anymore

I don’t even listen to music genre like I used to

then...I think again

why do people change?

what makes me change?

first...for me is because of my priority

my priority now is my family

so I rather hang out karaoke with my lil sis

instead of my friends

I also rather having dinner with my family

Maybe, that goes the same with them

They rather hang out with their husbands and family

Rather than with their friends

Well...isn't it justified?

Second...is having someone new in their life

Don’t we all have this kind of friends?

When they meet someone so-called “soulmate”, “the love of my life”

They started to change

Suddenly, no more late night hang out

No more wearing skinny jeans

No more talking with other boys

Started wearing hijab

Started to advise you on religious matter

Just because their “soulmate” told them so

No...that will never happen to me

Surely enough to know that I’m not someone yang akan dengar cakap orang

My almost boyfriend-to-be used to told me to wear hijab

Errkkk...hell no

I’m not going to wear hijab because someone told me to

What if that person suddenly leave you?

What if suddenly you lost your respect to that person?

Will you still wear hijab like he told you so?

Things like wearing hijab should come from the heart

Not because someone you love told you so

Therefore, for this point...it’s only applicable for someone yang mendengar kata

For my context of words...someone who want to used and to be used

Just like that song...

Sweet dream are made of this by Eurythmics

(my dad used to sing this song since I was a kid

I don’t really understand it at first

But as I was growing up...yeahhh, I understand it)

Third point of why people change

Is because of their exposure

Something got to do with their new place

Like someone leaving hometown

Meeting new friends

I had once on my bus trip from Kelantan to KL

This girl sitting next to me was free hair

Having a lot of friend saying goodbye

So, let’s assume she studied at Kelantan just like me

But when our bus approached Bentong

This girl next to me...tiba-tiba pakai tudung

Turn out that her parents was waiting for her

I was like...ooo, that’s weird even for me

At least, my parents know that I’m not wearing hijab

and my parents verified my clothes

memanglah, bukan nak cakap diri ni baik even tak pakai tudung

but the point is I want to say is that...

I’m not pretending to be someone else

I admit I’m not a good person

But at least I’m not pretending to be good

And that’s what people should see

Their inside beauty and heart

Not the outer beauty and looks

Just because someone cover their body from their tip toe to the end of hair

We can say that...ooo, that person must be a good person with iman

And just because someone not wearing hijab and sexy clothes

We can say that...ooo, that is not good person and don’t be friend with her

A friend once said to me

Wearing hijab is kewajipan, it does not neccessarily reflect her akhlak

Ermm, then you should also know that...

Not wearing hijab also does not neccessarily reflect her akhlak

Talking about exposure too

In this new era of technology

Where everything is in your finger tips

People tend to just acknowledge everything they read on fb or blogs

And next thing you know

They become ustaz/ustazah segera

Ooo...people, don’t tell me you believe everything there are in the internet

Instead of you learn something from the internet

Why don’t you learn face to face with a real teacher?

Then, you going to advice me on something you read on the internet?

What actually make you think I would believe that?

I have met few ustazah and ustaz

I even met them without wearing a hijab

And none of them tegur I about that

They will usually gave me salam or returned my salam

And ask a few things about me

That’s it...not more or less

I don’t exactly hate teguran yang I received

I do enjoy it actually

Because then I knew...someone still care about me

Someone still hoping and have faith on me

But please...do it the right way

Talk to me nicely...treat me as your dearly friend

Don’t treat me as if I’m your fugitive

Dont’t treat me as if I was a 7 years old girl

And please....please don’t hate me if don’t listen and follow everything you said

If I follow everything what people told me to

I would not be myself right?

I would be someone else

Someone I don’t even know

For a girl yang memang grew up in a religious family

For a girl yang memang dididik pakai tudung since a child

Is not the same for a girl yang grew up in sederhana family

For these girls...they know

Wearing hijab is not just wearing hijab and cover your hair

Is about membetulkan your imam and faith

No point in wearing hijab but you occasionally miss your prayers

No point in wearing hijab but you have a bad mouth and attitude

I don’t blame my parents

Because they thought me to seek the knowledge and faith by yourself

They also thought me that everything is not just upon appearance

Well...I do felt sad with everything happened

Everytime I try to forget and forgive

There will be something that remind me not to

I guess it the devil’s whispers...haha

But, actually...I don’t even know myself

On how to confront with them

On how to meet and greet them

On how to feel good and easy after what they have said to me

When i never used those kind of words to others

And most importantly

I don’t feel like meeting them

Because I felt ashamed

I felt malu and dipermalukan

Don’t know which one I felt the most

Ooo...what should I do then?

I know I’m not supposed to felt that way

When it was clearly my fault of wearing that kind of dress

But, I can’t help it

I’m sorry