25 September 2014

what a year has been...

woww...last post was actually on July, 2013
i do want to post some stuff on my blog
but...masa tu memang sesangatlah tak ada
bila ada je mood nak write...masa tu pon baru realise
oo...i have something else to do
{cehhh...macam ada baca blog aku ni, haha}

this past 2 to 3 years memang had been..
a very painful, tiring, challenging year
but at the same time...
it has a been a good and amazing year for me
and it was all worth it at the end of it

what actually happened to me..
it's not really a big thing though
i just decided that i want to further my study
and it was three years ago
mula-mula je ada niat tu...dah ada challenge
i was with somebody at that time
and he did not want me to sambung belajar...
instead dia suruh keje, lepas tu baru sambung
and i was like..ok, bolehlah kot
it was called as bertolak ansur, kan...
but then we went separated
can't blame him though...
maybe a part of it was my fault
and i can't make you love if you don't
so...i skipped off cari keje
and cari tempat untuk sambung belajar balik

then, another challenge came along
bila dah jumpa potential lecturer and university
i missed the registration date
and i missed it by 30 minutes only...damn it
sebab waktu tu, suka buka laptop at midnight
during the day, macam busy dengan family
helping mumy with the nephew and so on
and dah buka laptop, pergi tengok blog orang dulu...haha
bukannya nak register dulu
masa tu memang macam...
"apasallah kau ni bodoh sangat"
"kenapa kau tak aware benda-benda penting macam ni"
"ahh...nak sangat tengok blog orang lain kan"
frustrated, hopeless of me

later, i kept on searching and searching
dah jumpa tempat and potential lecturer
a good one actually...thanx so much for it
cari scholar pulak
and lucky of me, i did received scholar
from a place that i always avoided all my life
haha...sebab mumy dari i sekolah suruh masuk situ
she said because your older sister and brother went there
and expecting all her children went there
and its good for your to gain knowledge on religion
for someone like me...yang suka buat benda mengarut
nak masuk a place yang macam tu 
rasa macam ada two faces...
macam villain in batman tu, haha
and i always blame her for it
"ni semua salah mumy...mumylah ni suka doa zira masuk sini kan"
and mumy will be like..
"eh, kalau dah takdir kau masuk sini, macamana..salah aku gak ke"
ermmm, ok...justifiable, haha

and after that, everything was like a war and disaster to me
dropping of bombs, missiles...
and at the same time
hurricane, tsunami, earthquake was happening to me

that mamat actually came back asking me to get married
and i asked him
"i did not get a job, but i managed to further my study, is it ok with you"
and dia boleh jawab
"oo, tak apalah gitu"
and i was like...FUCK you
tak supportivenye laki macamni
you were supposed to support a girl if you really love her
support her dreams, her desire and her passion
it's not like support in terms of money
i found my own scholar
it just support in terms of emotional and great listener
and doing that does not make you seems like you are stupid
i don't know whether ini mentality lelaki Melayu or not
but it seems so damn fool of you
and yes, i don't deserved you
and yes, i'm very sure...she made an excellent mother for your kids

talks about mentality
there's another mentality of Melayu which i'm not really prefer with it
bila tanya, sekarang tengah buat apa, kerja mana
and bila dijawab, belajar lagi
their respon mesti macam
"eh, kenapa belajar lagi, baru nak ambil degree ke"
"eh, kenapa belajar lagi, kau gagal ke last sem"
"eh, belajar lagi ke, you doesn't seem like a student"
at that time, kalau orang yang menanya bukan orang tua
memang sedaplah dapat stared dari aku, haha
sometimes, me..myself also macam pelik
does it seems so weird for a girl with my age to still be a student?
or do my dress or whatever i'm wearing does not reflect that i'm a student

i even had encountered by a man working at CIMB
asking me if i want to take any loan for my future
and i politely answered him
"its ok...i'm still a student, my scholar does not really that much"
and lepas tu, dia boleh tengok aku atas bawah
and maybe he was unsatisfied with my answer
and maybe he think that i make up that excuse to avoid him
and dia terus tanya macam macam soalan kat aku
belajar mana, belajar apa, dah berapa tahun
and lastly dia nak tanya soalan maths kat aku
saying that it will proves that i'm really still a student
{question was 1 + 1 / 2}
and...OOO, YESSSS...i gave him the correct answer
{the answer is 1.5 or 1 1/2}
lepas tu baru dia back off from me 
nasib baik he did apologise to me
if i gave the wrong answer...
memang sia-sia jelah aku kerja kat kumon untuk 6 bulan

so why i'm working at kumon
when i did have scholar
haha...that's another sad story of me
my scholar only covers my fees and elauns up to two years
however, things really can be out of hand
i actually exceed more than two years
almost three years by this November
i decided that i have to work...if not i will be broke
so yes, kerja dekat kumon really cover my expenses about 2 to 3 months
but then, memang kene mintalah duit parents sikit, haha
but there are time...when i was actually broke
mesti lepas tu, ada je orang belanja makan
or ada jamuan, kenduri 
sad life....haha

it was supposed to finish in two years
but i had problems with my labs
waiting and waiting for company to deliver my stuff
my cells did not growing and multiply
and worse thing, a younger student than me
decided to throw away my cells
how devastated i am that time
seeing my cells inside the dust bin
and it remarked the first time i cry during my study
haha...i just waste a year doing cells labwork

despite that, i learned a lot during belajar ni
not only in terms of knowledge 
but also in terms of life surviving and social skills
and most importantly...it teach me to be very patience
i was always in hurry of everything
but i did learn that
if something tak dapat dikejar, then it's not yours
but if something it's truly yours, then you just have to wait
instead of chasing them

i also realize that there are people that...
actually envy with you
"macam mana dia leh dapat scholar, pointer aku lagi tinggi"
"yelah...kau dah start wrting, aku labwork tak abis lagi"
{padahal..dia baru register and i dah nak tiga tahun dah}
"tak apa...lepas ni kan kerja kau bagus and gaji banyak"
{padahal...gaji taklah banyak mana and kerja biasa-biasa je}
"macam mana awak buat kerja awak ni, saya buat tak dapat result pon"
{soalan...macam i buat-buat lak result ni}
please...don't be envy with me
i got nothing at all...no husband no kid
no job and worst...no money saving, haha

there are people that...
doesn't want to help you when you are in trouble
and simply doesn't care about you
bila mengadu dekat kawan...stress
rumah kene pecah masuk...
yesss...twice in one month ok
and i have been moving for 4 different houses in this year
instead of kawan tanya...are you ok, barang apa hilang
dia boleh je simply cakap pasal preparation kahwin dia
nak pilih tema colour ape
and bila tak di layan dia...dia lak marah kita
kita yang terkuntang kanting kat sini tengah stress

and there are people that 
just left you behind
"oo..you go find yourself, and i will find mine"
after all that years that we have been through together
after all that...share makanan, helping each other
wondering gak..did i something wrong
did i hurt her...
but you should let me know instead of just moving away

there are people that...
yang memang sangat berlagak
"i have already work, you still a student, what do you know"
{ok...that's deep}
"i bought a new car, unlike you, i have volume control on my steering"
{ok, fine...im just driving a 10 years old kancil 
but it's not like i never touch a volume control on steering}
"eee..apalah anak-anak buah aku ni, suka hati je nak ponteng kerja"
{ok...kau bos, aku tak ada orang bawahan, akulah orang bawahan untuk myself}
"heyy, i passed the government exam and i got the job"
{ermm..i passed that exam too but i did not tell anyone}
"ok, for my wedding, i want to buy that and that and that"
{ermm..ok, i cannot afford to buy anything}
"look at what i just bought...charles and keith handbag"
{ermm..ok, my handbag was a cheap one and that one also mumy bought it}
bukan apa,..i know sometimes people excited nak bercerita
but, try to be a little bit sensitive
just...a little bit
aware of who you telling all the stuff
if he/she in good condition...in good mood
ni tak kira waktu...orang tengah susah payah dekat balai polis ke pe ke
duk bercerita pasal kahwin tak sudah-sudah
then duklah bercerita shopping itu ini
orang dekat jauh ini entah makan ke tak

and there are also people that...
doesn't want to hang out with me because i'm not cool
or maybe i'm old
i spend most of my time in lab and on my study
"awak ni tak bosan ke..asyik duduk dalam lab je"
{perghh...ayat...its my passion kot,
cuba aku cakap macam tu kat kau on something yang you suka buat}
"tak payahlah ajak dia on this trip...dia kan tengah belajar"
{apa salahnye if you try to invite, pergi ke tak...lain ceritalah}
"hey...kau ni tak nak layan aku pon aku call ni"
{tengoklah time kau call bila...if during the day, 
i was working in lab...macam mana nak layan kau}
"why you don't want to go with me"
{erkk...besfren sendiri pon tak jumpa lagi kot..
mak ayah aku pon aku tak jumpa lagi ni}

sometimes...fikir gak
am i the one yang tak faham orang
or am i the type that hard for people to understand
but i did noticed something changed about me
i don't like going out late night any more
i know how to prioritize my works
i know what should i do or don't
i became more patience more relax
i learned that time is very very very important
untuk someone yang kaki tido macam i, i even skipped my meal
and even worse..i skipped potong kuku too, haha
i learned to control my anger and my stress
i even don't feel anything anymore when i had a problem
haha...it's reaching the plateau phase i think
however, i do have some lost memories
sometimes i can't remember that person name
or what have i done yesterday..
thinking too much..maybe
and i start to hear old song...
not that 90's song..but 70's song
haha...dah start tak suka this new song...it just noise to me
but start dengar lagu chicago, bee gees, mr. big, taylor dayne, bonnie raitt
ooo...dah tua rupanye ak, haha
influence by parents pon ada gak actually
because they listen to light and easy station only, hehe

but at the end...
i know the people that i can rely on
i know who was my real friends
whom i can ask help or favor
whom will be there for me when i want to
with whom i should really spend my time with
and i'm really grateful for knowing that
i'm grateful for surviving all those obstacles during my study
i do have thought of quitting at one time
i even blame mumy for it
"mumy patotnye ajar zira masak, kemas umah, jahit baju je...
bukannya suruh zira belajar susah-susah macam ni"
haha...jahat kan aku

and i'm also grateful too because of my family
they sometimes can be annoying, irritating
too dependent on you and expressionless
but at the end of the day...
you know you can always count on them
thanx so much for all the money spent on me
i know that's a lot of money
thanx so much for the trouble i create
yes...i know i can be too rebel and stubborn sometimes

to all my friends
to whom that already got a good job, married and have kids
many and many congrats to you
you guys was always smart n genius to my eyes
i really wish i was there on your marriage 
on your baby's delivery
but...i can't, and i'm sorry for that
to whom that had baby during your study
i really respect that
because i don't think i can handle a baby during my study
i can't even handle my own self...hehe
to whom that always there for me
through thick and thin
through up and down
i will always remember and appreciate it

to justin timberlake..
it was always my dream to go your concert
i even make a saving to meet you on australian tour this month
but as usually...money always been a restraining factor to me
huh...hate it
but i know one day i'll be meeting you
and i will never stop chasing you
{haha...dah macam betul-betul justin akan baca}

to all the years spent
which i could get a job and would not be so broke
which i could get married
and yes, i don't regret rejecting that mamat
which i miss the time of the registering that university
i don't regret it
because i know...when you lose something
you will actually gain another thing
and sometimes it is worth much more 
than the things that you actually wanted so much
i don't regret a thing that happened
because i will always have my family
my true friends
and my truly love