what a year has been...

woww...last post was actually on July, 2013

i do want to post some stuff on my blog

but...masa tu memang sesangatlah tak ada

bila ada je mood nak write...masa tu pon baru realise

oo...i have something else to do

{cehhh...macam ada baca blog aku ni, haha}

this past 2 to 3 years memang had been..

a very painful, tiring, challenging year

but at the same time...

it has a been a good and amazing year for me

and it was all worth it at the end of it

what actually happened to me..

it's not really a big thing though

i just decided that i want to further my study

and it was three years ago

mula-mula je ada niat tu...dah ada challenge

i was with somebody at that time

and he did not want me to sambung belajar...

instead dia suruh keje, lepas tu baru sambung

and i was like..ok, bolehlah kot

it was called as bertolak ansur, kan...

but then we went separated

can't blame him though...

maybe a part of it was my fault

and i can't make you love if you don't

so...i skipped off cari keje

and cari tempat untuk sambung belajar balik

then, another challenge came along

bila dah jumpa potential lecturer and university

i missed the registration date

and i missed it by 30 minutes only...damn it

sebab waktu tu, suka buka laptop at midnight

during the day, macam busy dengan family

helping mumy with the nephew and so on

and dah buka laptop, pergi tengok blog orang dulu...haha

bukannya nak register dulu

masa tu memang macam...

"apasallah kau ni bodoh sangat"

"kenapa kau tak aware benda-benda penting macam ni"

"ahh...nak sangat tengok blog orang lain kan"

frustrated, hopeless of me

later, i kept on searching and searching

dah jumpa tempat and potential lecturer

a good one actually...thanx so much for it

cari scholar pulak

and lucky of me, i did received scholar

from a place that i always avoided all my life

haha...sebab mumy dari i sekolah suruh masuk situ

she said because your older sister and brother went there

and expecting all her children went there

and its good for your to gain knowledge on religion

for someone like me...yang suka buat benda mengarut

nak masuk a place yang macam tu 

rasa macam ada two faces...

macam villain in batman tu, haha

and i always blame her for it

"ni semua salah mumy...mumylah ni suka doa zira masuk sini kan"

and mumy will be like..

"eh, kalau dah takdir kau masuk sini, macamana..salah aku gak ke"

ermmm, ok...justifiable, haha

and after that, everything was like a war and disaster to me

dropping of bombs, missiles...

and at the same time

hurricane, tsunami, earthquake was happening to me

haha

that mamat actually came back asking me to get married

and i asked him

"i did not get a job, but i managed to further my study, is it ok with you"

and dia boleh jawab

"oo, tak apalah gitu"

and i was like...FUCK you

tak supportivenye laki macamni

you were supposed to support a girl if you really love her

support her dreams, her desire and her passion

it's not like support in terms of money

i found my own scholar

it just support in terms of emotional and great listener

and doing that does not make you seems like you are stupid

i don't know whether ini mentality lelaki Melayu or not

but it seems so damn fool of you

and yes, i don't deserved you

and yes, i'm very sure...she made an excellent mother for your kids

talks about mentality

there's another mentality of Melayu which i'm not really prefer with it

bila tanya, sekarang tengah buat apa, kerja mana

and bila dijawab, belajar lagi

their respon mesti macam

"eh, kenapa belajar lagi, baru nak ambil degree ke"

"eh, kenapa belajar lagi, kau gagal ke last sem"

"eh, belajar lagi ke, you doesn't seem like a student"

at that time, kalau orang yang menanya bukan orang tua

memang sedaplah dapat stared dari aku, haha

sometimes, me..myself also macam pelik

does it seems so weird for a girl with my age to still be a student?

or do my dress or whatever i'm wearing does not reflect that i'm a student

i even had encountered by a man working at CIMB

asking me if i want to take any loan for my future

and i politely answered him

"its ok...i'm still a student, my scholar does not really that much"

and lepas tu, dia boleh tengok aku atas bawah

and maybe he was unsatisfied with my answer

and maybe he think that i make up that excuse to avoid him

and dia terus tanya macam macam soalan kat aku

belajar mana, belajar apa, dah berapa tahun

and lastly dia nak tanya soalan maths kat aku

saying that it will proves that i'm really still a student

{question was 1 + 1 / 2}

and...OOO, YESSSS...i gave him the correct answer

{the answer is 1.5 or 1 1/2}

lepas tu baru dia back off from me 

nasib baik he did apologise to me

if i gave the wrong answer...

memang sia-sia jelah aku kerja kat kumon untuk 6 bulan

so why i'm working at kumon

when i did have scholar

haha...that's another sad story of me

my scholar only covers my fees and elauns up to two years

however, things really can be out of hand

i actually exceed more than two years

almost three years by this November

i decided that i have to work...if not i will be broke

so yes, kerja dekat kumon really cover my expenses about 2 to 3 months

but then, memang kene mintalah duit parents sikit, haha

but there are time...when i was actually broke

mesti lepas tu, ada je orang belanja makan

or ada jamuan, kenduri 

sad life....haha

it was supposed to finish in two years

but i had problems with my labs

waiting and waiting for company to deliver my stuff

my cells did not growing and multiply

and worse thing, a younger student than me

decided to throw away my cells

how devastated i am that time

seeing my cells inside the dust bin

and it remarked the first time i cry during my study

haha...i just waste a year doing cells labwork

despite that, i learned a lot during belajar ni

not only in terms of knowledge 

but also in terms of life surviving and social skills

and most importantly...it teach me to be very patience

i was always in hurry of everything

but i did learn that

if something tak dapat dikejar, then it's not yours

but if something it's truly yours, then you just have to wait

instead of chasing them

i also realize that there are people that...

actually envy with you

"macam mana dia leh dapat scholar, pointer aku lagi tinggi"

"yelah...kau dah start wrting, aku labwork tak abis lagi"

{padahal..dia baru register and i dah nak tiga tahun dah}

"tak apa...lepas ni kan kerja kau bagus and gaji banyak"

{padahal...gaji taklah banyak mana and kerja biasa-biasa je}

"macam mana awak buat kerja awak ni, saya buat tak dapat result pon"

{soalan...macam i buat-buat lak result ni}

please...don't be envy with me

i got nothing at all...no husband no kid

no job and worst...no money saving, haha

there are people that...

doesn't want to help you when you are in trouble

and simply doesn't care about you

bila mengadu dekat kawan...stress

rumah kene pecah masuk...

yesss...twice in one month ok

and i have been moving for 4 different houses in this year

instead of kawan tanya...are you ok, barang apa hilang

dia boleh je simply cakap pasal preparation kahwin dia

nak pilih tema colour ape

and bila tak di layan dia...dia lak marah kita

kita yang terkuntang kanting kat sini tengah stress

and there are people that 

just left you behind

"oo..you go find yourself, and i will find mine"

after all that years that we have been through together

after all that...share makanan, helping each other

wondering gak..did i something wrong

did i hurt her...

but you should let me know instead of just moving away

there are people that...

yang memang sangat berlagak

"i have already work, you still a student, what do you know"

{ok...that's deep}

"i bought a new car, unlike you, i have volume control on my steering"

{ok, fine...im just driving a 10 years old kancil 

but it's not like i never touch a volume control on steering}

"eee..apalah anak-anak buah aku ni, suka hati je nak ponteng kerja"

{ok...kau bos, aku tak ada orang bawahan, akulah orang bawahan untuk myself}

"heyy, i passed the government exam and i got the job"

{ermm..i passed that exam too but i did not tell anyone}

"ok, for my wedding, i want to buy that and that and that"

{ermm..ok, i cannot afford to buy anything}

"look at what i just bought...charles and keith handbag"

{ermm..ok, my handbag was a cheap one and that one also mumy bought it}

bukan apa,..i know sometimes people excited nak bercerita

but, try to be a little bit sensitive

just...a little bit

aware of who you telling all the stuff

if he/she in good condition...in good mood

ni tak kira waktu...orang tengah susah payah dekat balai polis ke pe ke

duk bercerita pasal kahwin tak sudah-sudah

then duklah bercerita shopping itu ini

orang dekat jauh ini entah makan ke tak

and there are also people that...

doesn't want to hang out with me because i'm not cool

or maybe i'm old

i spend most of my time in lab and on my study

"awak ni tak bosan ke..asyik duduk dalam lab je"

{perghh...ayat...its my passion kot,

cuba aku cakap macam tu kat kau on something yang you suka buat}

"tak payahlah ajak dia on this trip...dia kan tengah belajar"

{apa salahnye if you try to invite, pergi ke tak...lain ceritalah}

"hey...kau ni tak nak layan aku pon aku call ni"

{tengoklah time kau call bila...if during the day, 

i was working in lab...macam mana nak layan kau}

"why you don't want to go with me"

{erkk...besfren sendiri pon tak jumpa lagi kot..

mak ayah aku pon aku tak jumpa lagi ni}

sometimes...fikir gak

am i the one yang tak faham orang

or am i the type that hard for people to understand

entahlah

but i did noticed something changed about me

i don't like going out late night any more

i know how to prioritize my works

i know what should i do or don't

i became more patience more relax

i learned that time is very very very important

untuk someone yang kaki tido macam i, i even skipped my meal

and even worse..i skipped potong kuku too, haha

i learned to control my anger and my stress

i even don't feel anything anymore when i had a problem

haha...it's reaching the plateau phase i think

however, i do have some lost memories

sometimes i can't remember that person name

or what have i done yesterday..

thinking too much..maybe

and i start to hear old song...

not that 90's song..but 70's song

haha...dah start tak suka this new song...it just noise to me

but start dengar lagu chicago, bee gees, mr. big, taylor dayne, bonnie raitt

ooo...dah tua rupanye ak, haha

influence by parents pon ada gak actually

because they listen to light and easy station only, hehe

but at the end...

i know the people that i can rely on

i know who was my real friends

whom i can ask help or favor

whom will be there for me when i want to

with whom i should really spend my time with

and i'm really grateful for knowing that

i'm grateful for surviving all those obstacles during my study

i do have thought of quitting at one time

i even blame mumy for it

"mumy patotnye ajar zira masak, kemas umah, jahit baju je...

bukannya suruh zira belajar susah-susah macam ni"

haha...jahat kan aku

and i'm also grateful too because of my family

they sometimes can be annoying, irritating

too dependent on you and expressionless

but at the end of the day...

you know you can always count on them

thanx so much for all the money spent on me

i know that's a lot of money

thanx so much for the trouble i create

yes...i know i can be too rebel and stubborn sometimes

to all my friends

to whom that already got a good job, married and have kids

many and many congrats to you

you guys was always smart n genius to my eyes

i really wish i was there on your marriage 

on your baby's delivery

but...i can't, and i'm sorry for that

to whom that had baby during your study

i really respect that

because i don't think i can handle a baby during my study

i can't even handle my own self...hehe

to whom that always there for me

through thick and thin

through up and down

i will always remember and appreciate it

to justin timberlake..

it was always my dream to go your concert

i even make a saving to meet you on australian tour this month

but as usually...money always been a restraining factor to me

huh...hate it

but i know one day i'll be meeting you

and i will never stop chasing you

{haha...dah macam betul-betul justin akan baca}

to all the years spent

which i could get a job and would not be so broke

which i could get married

and yes, i don't regret rejecting that mamat

which i miss the time of the registering that university

i don't regret it

because i know...when you lose something

you will actually gain another thing

and sometimes it is worth much more 

than the things that you actually wanted so much

i don't regret a thing that happened

because i will always have my family

my true friends

and my truly love